


We Are Who We Love

by aban_ataashi



Series: Lion Hearted (Rudi's Story) [4]
Category: Pillars of Eternity
Genre: F/F, Family Angst, Family Fluff, Gen, and a little bit of character backstory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 07:36:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18566848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aban_ataashi/pseuds/aban_ataashi
Summary: People will come, and people will go.This is a truth Rudi knows all too well.Still, there will always be some who make a lasting impact.





	We Are Who We Love

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! So this is something that has been on my backburner since February when I started writing it as a Valentine's Day thing... and then it turned into something completely different. It's a little bit about Rudi's backstory, and a little bit about where I see her ending up. Enjoy!

Rudi is a child in the Ixamitl Plains, and her mother is teaching her to shoot. The bow is small, made for children’s hands, but it still requires skill and strength to handle. Most of Rudi’s arrows miss her target, and the rough wood and sharp bowstring leave her hands raw and blistering.

“All you need is patience and practice,” her mother tells her.

“But I want to do it _now,”_ Rudi insists with a pout. She’d been so excited for this day. All her life, she’s wanted nothing more than to be like her mother- strong and courageous and the best archer in the village. _Patience,_ on the other hand, has never been something the young girl aspired to achieve.

Her mother chuckles at the stubborn frustration on Rudi’s face. “Some things take time. You’re doing well for your first day. But you don’t want to overdo it.” She studies her daughter’s blistered hands and pulls an ointment from her bag. Rudi winces as she rubs it over her palms then relaxes as the cool healing begins to take effect. After applying the medicine, Rudi’s mother brings the girl's knuckles to her lips for a quick kiss.

“ _Ma!”_ Rudi protests, wriggling her hand away. It’s been a long time since she’s gone to her mother for kisses on her scrapes and bruises. “Stop, I’m too old for that!”

“You’re not that old,” her mother replies. “Trust me. And you have plenty of time to practice and improve. When you’re older, you might even be as good as your mother.”

Rudi bristles- there’s nothing quite so irritating to a child as being told something _might_ happen when they’re _older_ \- but feels a rush of pride at the compliment. “I will be! You’ll see!”

Rudi is young, still considered a child by some, but she feels much older. She feels as if she’s aged a hundred years since the day her mother left on a hunt and didn’t come back.

Nothing is the same anymore. The world has shifted in a way that suggests it will never be put right again, and yet it keeps moving around her. After the funeral, the rest of the village returns to their lives, missing a friend or fellow hunter, perhaps, but still on solid ground. Rudi doesn’t think she will ever find solid ground again.

Across the room, the lion cub she named _Sol_ paws at the toes of her discarded hunting boots. Rudi’s bow leans against the wall nearby. There’s a part of Rudi that itches to grab her bow and her lion and get out and _do_ something, to release some of the energy building up inside of her.

But at the same time, she just can’t muster up the will to move.

“Hey.”

Rudi looks up at the sound of her older brother’s voice. Micah has been quiet since the funeral, although that is not so strange a state for him. He was always the most cautious and withdrawn of the family.

“Hey,” Rudi replies, not rising to meet him, and the silence stretches out for a long moment as they regard each other. At last, Micah crosses the room in two long strides and seats himself next to Rudi.

“We’re going to be okay,” he tells her in a low voice.

Rudi meets his eyes, wondering how he could possibly know such a thing. “Really?”

Micah nods. “Yeah. I promise.” He leans forward slowly and presses a kiss against Rudi’s dark curls, just above her forehead, the way their mother used to do when they were sick. The execution of the movement is somewhat awkward, but the intent is clearly sincere.

Whether he’s right, Rudi doesn’t know. But she knows that with their mother gone, they only have each other, and that’s going to have to be enough. So she chooses to believe him.

Rudi is a young woman, and she has a decision to make. She sits at the base of an old, withered tree, studying her village in the distance with Sol at her side.

This village is her home. The summers are sweltering and food is scarce in the winter, but it is her _home._ She has lived her entire life here, just as her mother did, just as she thought Micah intended to. But she hasn’t seen Micah in years.

She had been happy at first, when Micah told her the news. He had asked a girl he loved to marry him, and she said yes. They had plans to start a family. It had all seemed wonderful, until she realized they didn’t want to start that family _here._

Micah had suggested that Rudi could leave with them. Time has not caused her anger to fade, and the ensuing argument is still raw in her mind.

_“There are other places that could be our home, Rudi. We can go some place where people don’t get attacked by wild animals, or starve because of a bad harvest. There are cities where I can find a good job there, we can be more stable-”_

_“And what am I supposed to do? I’m a hunter, Micah. I can’t live in a city, not with Sol. Our lives are here. You want to just leave all that behind? Just run away like a coward because life is hard! If Ma were here-”_

_“Ma’s not here! I’m the one who’s been taking care of us, because this place killed her!”_

Their words did not get kinder after that.

Micah left, and she hasn’t heard from him in years. But news still travels. Rumors have reached their village, rumors of trouble in the Dyrwood. Trouble with children. Rudi thinks of Micah following the promise of land and a place to raise a family, and she has to know.

Once more, she looks at the outline of her village in the distance, then down at Sol. This place is his home as much as it hers; she desperately wants to keep him with her, but she can’t force him to leave.

“What do you say, Sol?” Rudi asks softly. “You don’t have to join me. You can stay here with the other hunters. Or go out and start a pride of your own.”

Sol snorts at her and moves to nuzzle against her shoulder. He tries to move closer, although he can no longer curl up in her lap the way he did as a cub. Instead, he simply nuzzles her again, this time pressing his cold, wet nose against hers in a comforting gesture.

Rudi huffs a laugh and runs a hand through his mane. “Are you sure? I hear the Dyrwood is cold, and we’ll be stuck with a caravan for a few months at least.”

Sol gives her a low rumble of agreement, and Rudi nods. “Okay, then. Let's go.” She still isn't looking forward to the journey ahead, but at least she won't be alone.

Rudi is many things now- a traveler, a Watcher, a Lady of a castle. She has a ghost in her head, and most nights she wakes with a start from dreams she doesn’t remember. Voices from the past clamor in her head, their prayers and vows and arguments weaving in and out of her dreams. She sees images, hazy and half-formed, a whole life draped in the heaviest fog. Through it all is one voice, one face, one woman that reappears again and again. Rudi knows her, and at the same time has no idea who she is.

Her name comes at last, on one of the countless nights Rudi is wrenched from her sleep. _Iovara,_ she breathes as she opens her eyes, the name as familiar on her lips as the feel of her kiss. They would sneak off together, the two of them, and once they were alone their mouths would find each other in the dark. Throughout the years and the wars and the holy missions, they always had these secret moments.

Until they didn’t. Rudi can’t remember exactly what happened but she remembers clearly the hollow pit of loneliness when Iovara left. The stabbing pain of betrayal. The anger and bitterness that hardened inside of her.

And now here she is again, lifetimes later, remembering the ghost of Iovara’s kiss on her lips and grieving the loss of a woman she never even knew.

Rudi is alive, and for now that feels like enough. She doesn’t know how long this new life will last- the castle, the title, the mind that is free of whispers and ghosts _-_ but she aims to enjoy it while she can.

Especially at times like this, when she must say goodbye to a good friend. She’s glad Maneha gave her warning prior to leaving. She knows the woman has been itching to return to her travels, and Rudi has been half expecting simply wake up one day and find her room vacant. Rudi would miss her, of course- her stories, her jokes, her playful flirtation- but she wouldn’t be surprised.

Instead, Maneha mentions her soon departure casually over dinner one night. Most of the group Rudi has gathered together has plans to leave at some point, but for now Sagani is the only who’s actually acted on them. Maneha receives the typical _we’ll miss you’s_ and _travel safe’s,_ and as the dinner ends and their friends trickle out of the room, Rudi approaches her.

“You know” she says, tilting her head at Maneha, “since it’s your last night here, we should find something fun to do.”

Maneha grins. “What did you have in mind?”

Minutes later they’re crashing through the door to Rudi’s room. Rudi falls backwards onto the bedcovers, pulling Maneha down on top of her. Maneha plants a kiss on her neck, just under her jawline, and then another, trailing down past her collarbone. _Gods, I needed this,_ Rudi thinks. It’s been a long while since she’s had something like this- she hadn’t even realized how long until this moment. But she plans on making up for that lost time.

In the morning, Rudi pretends to sleep while Maneha leaves as quietly as she can. Rudi wants to preserve the previous night in her memory. That will be their last time together, and she will not overwrite it with an awkward farewell and promises to keep in touch that they both know will be broken.

And if she's being honest, she’s half-afraid if she does say something, it will be to try and convince Maneha to stay. And she doesn’t want to do that. She knows it’s not in Maneha’s nature, and she understands.

Still, Rudi misses her after she’s gone.

 

Rudi is captain of a ship, however outlandish the notion is. Almost as laughable as being the Herald of Berath. But at the moment she is simply an ordinary person, half-asleep in her rented room in a Neketaka tavern, watching Maia get dressed in the morning sunlight.

Rudi likes watching Maia in the mornings, with her hair loose and her posture relaxed, before she slides into her unflappable soldier persona. The sight is especially welcome today. It’s their first morning together since Maia returned from her mysterious mission for the Company, and during her absence Rudi had been more worried than she would ever admit.

Now she’s back. Maia came back, safe and sound. She came back with more worries and doubts than she left with, and the two had stayed up most of the night talking them over. She came back and spent a good while scolding Rudi for starting fights with pirates without her.

But in this moment all Rudi can think is, she came back. And now Rudi doesn’t entirely know what to do about the grateful, giddy feeling that fills her chest whenever she looks in Maia’s direction.

Maia notices Rudi staring and smirks. “Whatcha thinking about over there?”

“You,” Rudi says with a wink. Maia raises an eyebrow, and Rudi laughs. “I’m serious. I was just thinking how happy I am that Atsura returned my favorite soldier.” She hesitates, her eyes dropping to the floor. “For a little while there, I was afraid I wouldn't see you again.”

Maia’s eyes soften. “Yeah. I worried about you, too.”

The words hang in the air for a moment, an unspoken understanding passing between the two women, until Rudi finally says in a lighter tone, “But now that Ishi’s back safe and sound, I will finally rest easy.”

Maia laughs and crosses the room to sit next to Rudi on the bed. She throws an arm lazily over Rudi’s shoulders, her lips hovering just above her ear.

“Well, aren’t you just the sweetest?” she whispers. “Ishi’s lucky to have such a concerned captain.”

Rudi can't fight back a giggle. “Don’t tell the crew. I have a reputation to uphold.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Maia brushes a few errant curls away from Rudi's face. Her palm is rough and callused, but her lips are soft as she follows it with a gentle kiss on Rudi’s cheek. Maia’s touches are not passionate, or dramatic; they’re slow and tender, as if the two of them had all the time in the world to simply sit like this together.

At last Maia lets out a small sigh, her breath tickling the hairs on Rudi’s neck. “But speaking of the crew… as much as I’d love to stay here all day, they’ll be expecting us at the docks soon.” She stands, grabbing Rudi’s hand and not letting go until the Watcher finally relents and allows herself to be pulled out of the bed. Rudi can’t say she’s excited at the prospect of going to sea again, but she can think of worse things than walking to the docks in the morning sun, hand in hand with Maia.

Rudi is equal parts amused and frustrated as she tries to convince a child to sit still long enough for her to inspect a bruise earned by a fall off the ship's rigging.

“You should be more careful,” Rudi lectures as she inspects Vela’s arm.

Vela only rolls her eyes. “I didn’t fall from _that_ high. I’m fine.”

She’s right, this time at least. But that doesn’t mean Rudi can’t be overprotective. There may not be any breaks or sprains, but Vela’s hands are red with friction burns from the rope she’d grabbed on the way down. “Hold on a minute, I have some medicine for this.”

Vela squirms impatiently as Rudi treats her hands. Her ears flick back and forth in annoyance as the seconds drag on. “Are you done yet?”

Rudi hums thoughtfully. “One more thing.” She takes Vela’s tiny hand in hers and gives it a quick kiss. “There. All better now.”

Vela rolls her eyes. “I know that doesn’t really do anything.”

Rudi frowns. “It doesn’t? Well, that’s bad news, because I see a pretty serious injury.”

Vela frowns and lifts her arm. “Where?”

“ _Here!”_ Rudi darts forward and tickles Vela’s stomach, eliciting delighted shrieks as she tries in vain to escape.

“ _Mama!”_ she cries through her giggles, wiggling away with a grin.

“Got you!” Rudi laughs. She relents in her tickling and ruffles Vela’s hair . “I’m done now. But I want you to be more careful. Okay?”

Vela heaves a sigh. “ _Okay._ Now can I show you the new trick Uncle Serafen taught me? He’s says I’m practically a deckhand now!”

Rudi has to bite back a chuckle looking at the little girl. She’s too much like Rudi herself- impatient and adventurous and not always thinking before she acts. Perhaps that is to be expected, considering the example Rudi has set for her. But part of parenthood is hoping your child ends up smarter than you, isn't it?

Rudi never expected to see herself become a mother. But life has a way of throwing surprises at a person. And, strange as it may seem, not all of them are bad.

Her recent correspondence with her brother is another such surprise. That is the reason for the long trip to Defiance Bay that has given Vela such restlessness. Micah’s letters to Rudi have been worried- for good reason, she supposes- and she is eager to reassure him that she is fine.

The siblings are not as close as they once were, and after the events of the past year, Rudi is oddly grateful. She shudders at the thought that Micah and his family could have been staying at Caed Nua when Eothas rose. But if dying and being resurrected is good for anything, it’s getting people to realize they can set aside old arguments and make an attempt at reconciliation.

“Yes, yes, you can show me,” Rudi says to Vela, while making a mental note to talk with Serafen about keeping a better eye on his ‘deckhands’ on windy days. Or perhaps she should enlist Maia’s assistance. Ishi isn’t fond of babysitting, but with a bit of sharkmeat and some prodding from his owner, he may be persuaded to follow alongside Vela as she attempts to scale the mast of the ship.

Vela claps her hands together in excitement and leaps up, pulling Rudi onto the deck of their ship, where the rest of their family awaits.


End file.
